Bird by Bird

So here we are at the end of the season of Epiphany. Boy, time sure flies when you’re having fun! When this season started the first week of January, I committed myself to writing 6 essays (one weekly throughout the season) to sum up some of the insights I’ve gleaned from the past year or so. Looking back on what I wrote, I feel people who don’t know me well might think I’m a bit of a basket case! Well, perhaps I am; or maybe, for better or worse, I’m just more forthcoming with my neuroses!

Here’s the thing, though: I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed. I lead a lot of workshops and facilitate a lot of retreats and teach a lot of classes where, one way or another, people frequently express how stressed out they are with life. Around the start of this new year, I read somewhere a Top Ten New Year’s Resolution list. I figured #1 would be “losing weight” (and/or exercising more) with “stop smoking” being close to the top as well. Boy was I surprised to see “Have more fun” listed as #1. But the more I thought about it, I really wasn’t surprised. People are stressed out! Of course having more fun is going to be high on the list … even first.

I actually got the “have more fun” message from the universe no less than 3x within 6 months about a year and a half ago. The first and third were from complete strangers and the second was from a friend I’d had no contact with for a number of years. All three asked me, “What are you doing for fun?” I’m not sure I’d ever been asked that question before and what struck me most profoundly was that I wasn’t able to come up with an answer. There was a time in my life where if I had been given 3 words to best describe myself, “fun” would have been one of the 3, maybe even first. But I suddenly (and sadly) realized that now, if you gave me an unlimited amount of words to describe myself, I’m not sure that “fun” would make it onto that list. What happened to Fun Tracy?

Well, life … or, more accurately, “life” happened. I had gotten so sucked into paying the bills and making ends meet (not easy for many but a freelancer does have some unique challenges) that I didn’t even realize I’d lost a piece—a big, honkin’, identifying piece—of myself. It’s like the metaphor of the frog in the pot of water that ever so slowly heats up to the boiling point. The increase in heat happens so incrementally that the frog doesn’t notice it until it’s too late; she’s cooked. Well, I was cooked and I didn’t even know it until someone … three someones … asked me point blank what I did for fun and couldn’t think of a single thing. OK, time for a major overhaul!

And that’s what I’ve been trying to do for more than a year now. Having more fun is a big part of it but my lack of fun was symptomatic of other things that drastically needed to change. The good news is that I am having more fun and some significant lifestyle changes have been made. The bad news is that it’s not been easy and I still have a long way to go. Old habits, long-ingrained practices, even muscle memory are deeply rooted and aren’t going to change overnight or simply because I want them to. My efforts, while valiant and well-intentioned, haven’t always been successful. The process has been frustrating and the temptation strong to just give up. But ultimately, I don’t want to just “live” (i.e. have a beating heart and working lungs) … I want to LIVE!

My life requires that I fly fairly regularly. I’ve therefore been through the airplane safety drill innumerable times, so many times, in fact, that I tend to tune it out now. But the part that always gets my attention is when they remind parents traveling with children that if the oxygen masks drop, they are to fasten their own masks on first before assisting anyone else, even their children. The reason they have to remind parents of this is that it’s counter-intuitive; of course you’re going to be tempted to first help those who are dependent on you. But if you can’t breathe (in other words, if you have no life) you’re not going to be much good to anyone, including yourself. What a metaphor for life!

So how to get from point A (“life”) to point B (LIFE) without getting overwhelmed and throwing in the towel? Bird by bird.

Anne Lamott, one of my favorite writers, wrote a book by that title a number of years ago. It’s basically a “how to” for would-be writers but the title comes from a family story when she was still living at home. Her brother had a big school project where he was supposed to write a report on lots of birds. He procrastinated until the night before the paper was due and then freaked out because there was no way he was going to be able to complete all the necessary work that night. He implored his father, “How am I going to get this done?!” And very calmly his father replied, “Bird by bird.”

So that “one foot in front of the other” or “baby steps first” philosophy has been behind many of my recent lifestyle-change attempts and much of what I’ve written these last 6 weeks. As with most “self-improvement” suggestions, it’s not really rocket science. But for someone with an excessive personality who has always seen the big picture and taken the macro view, paying attention to the micro on a daily basis has been a real shift, but one that’s reaped wonderful rewards.

About a year ago I started color-coordinating my calendar (both written and digital). Gigs are green (for money!), teaching at Wesley dark blue and at the Ecumenical Institute light blue, miscellaneous things are black, you get the idea. Well, I’m proud to report that there are now a steady splash of pink (fun things) as well as purple (things that feed my soul). I make an attempt to be in contact with someone of significance every day (at least in a way where I can hear their voice, but seeing—including Skype—is better). I try not to sit at my computer for longer than 30 minutes at a time (even if that just means standing up to stretch). In fact, when I rearranged my office I purposely spread things out so I would be forced to get up occasionally rather than have everything within reach of my chair. And I’m also intentional about saving little things like making my bed, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed to give me something to do and a reason to get up every 30 minutes. Thanks to Groupon I’ve taken salsa lessons and Nia classes and gotten more into yoga. And now that it doesn’t hurt to walk anymore I’m enjoying my neighborhood again.

All small steps, to be sure … bird by bird … and there are many more “birds” to explore but I’m now on the path … or a path … or at least a different path. And it feels good, not just for me personally but what I feel I’m able to give to the world as someone who isn’t just breathing with a beating heart, who isn’t merely subsisting, but as someone who is more ALIVE. To quote Howard Thurman: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Amen! So be it! So it is!

Redefining “Should”

Back in August, I bought a book by Julia Scatliff O’Grady entitled Good Busy: Productivity, Procrastination, and the Endless Pursuit of Balance. It’s a little gem aimed at, as the title suggests, helping crazy people like me bring more balance and calm to our daily living. The fact that it took me four months to find time to even start reading it should be proof enough that I definitely needed some wise counsel in my “endless pursuit of balance!”

This book has a lot to recommend it (not the least of which is, each chapter is short!). My favorite chapter, however, introduced me to the idea of the “sliver.” Basically, this is “an increment of time to tackle something you’ve put off.” Now, what I find fascinating about this concept is that the “something you’ve put off” could be more of an albatross around the neck that has been neglected because the task is unpleasant or unwieldy (see previous posts!) or something that you would love to do but feels like a luxury and thus is easy to push aside when so many other more “important” things are demanding your time. Either mindset can prove problematic; but using the sliver to combat both can be life-giving.

Previously, I’ve written more about the former, how I always seem to have too many things pulling me in all directions and I feel like I’m drowning in expectations and responsibilities. That’s why the “rocks vs. water” prioritizing system I’ve recently employed has been so helpful. In some ways, this is just another way of packaging the idea of the sliver, but takes it one step further. Instead of waiting until the end of the day to see if there’s time to “sliver” in a “water” item, the sliver encourages taking advantage of the odd moments throughout the day. So, during the 3 minutes my stew is heating up in the microwave, instead of just standing there watching the bowl turn round and round, I can “sliver.”* What small thing, that does need to be done, can be accomplished in 3 minutes? Checking the 5-day forecast for the city I’m about to fly to so I know what to pack; a quick phone call to the video store or library to see if they have the movie I need for class; filing away the notes and resources I used on my last gig. You get the idea. None of these things by itself takes much time. But add them all up and the whole suddenly becomes much greater than the sum of the parts and soon starts to feel like that proverbial albatross. By whittling away at them during the “dead” spaces throughout the day suddenly the burden of responsibilities feels much lighter and more manageable.

Case in point: a big part of the recent overhaul of my office consisted of going through piles (and piles and more piles!) of papers that needed to be filed away. If I had taken the time to file them back before they became a pile, most probably could have been taken care of in a few minutes. But because I was tired or busy (!) or unmotivated or lazy it just seemed easier at the time to set them aside to deal with later. But after two years of “I’ll-get-to-them-laters,” I found myself with an overwhelming amount of work that took much longer than the cumulative “few minutes” each because I now needed time to remind myself what each pile was, which parts were distinct from others, when each had taken place, etc. So what ended up taking days and sometimes weeks could have all been avoided had I slivered in real time all along. This may seem like a ridiculously obvious concept. It is! But that doesn’t necessarily make it easy to follow, especially for people who feel drawn to books about productivity, procrastination, and the endless pursuit of balance!

Perhaps more helpful (and healthy), however, is using the sliver to treat ourselves to activities that nurture rather than sap the soul. Sure, finally getting all those piles of papers filed away felt good—really good—but it didn’t particularly feed my soul. I didn’t feel more alive, energized or balanced because of it. In fact, the pleasure of finishing these kinds of tasks is often fleeting and hollow because I know that the next day—or the next hour—will produce more stuff that will also need to be filed away. And that’s fine; it’s part of life. It’s like showering or brushing teeth. I don’t complete those tasks and heave a huge sigh of relief: “Phew! Finally got that taken care of. Now I won’t need to worry about it ever again!” It’s all part of the mundane realities of life. Sadly, however, these mundane realities too often dominate our choices for how we end up living our lives.

Again, from Good Busy: “A lot of people find it much easier to fill the day than to discern what the day should be. You just react. … The lesson behind the sliver is that you can carve out time for what matters to you [my emphasis] by setting a goal, putting time limits around it, and acting on your intentions.” I find these sentences dripping with wisdom but perhaps the part that most jumps out to me is the phrase: what the day should be. I’ve grown to have somewhat of an aversion to the word “should.” In most cases I find it unhelpful, at best, and potentially damaging at worst. That’s not to say, however, that it can’t ever be fruitful. Maybe we should carve out time on a regular basis to do things that matter to us, things that cut the albatross loose, even if only temporarily. Many of us fill our days with things that “should” be done; but this list is too often the drudgery that saps the life out of us. That stuff does need to be tended to, yes, but not at the exclusion of the “shoulds” that will feed our souls.

A couple of years ago an artsy friend and I started occasional “art days” where we’d gather at one of our homes and for several hours do nothing that we “should” do (according to conventional wisdom) but all that we actually should do for our well being. We’d play with various materials and ideas and compilations and configurations with no particular goal or expected outcome. The purpose was the process … and numerous studies have shown that this sort of “release” and right-brain activity actually enhances problem solving and productivity. In other words, it tends to be generative … which is just another way of saying life giving.

One of my favorite comedians is Brian Regan. Among his many funny bits is a piece on going to the eye doctor (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8GMFkc3iSA): “I’m wearing new contacts. I just had my prescription changed after 6 years. You ever wait that long? Then you get new lenses and you’re like, ‘Man, I coulda been seeing things!’ How can instantly improved vision not be at the top of your to-do list? ‘Oh … I’ll see tomorrow. I don’t have time; I don’t have time … to see clearly. No, I can’t do that. You see what’s on my desk?’”

Well, how can intentionally including instantly life-giving activities not be at the top of our to-do list? We’re too busy? Doing what? All the things we “should” be doing? The great thing about the sliver is that it can be as long as we need it to be: a few minutes, hours, or days. So if you really do have pressing issues from the outside world then maybe treat yourself to those 3 minutes while the stew is microwaving and sit contemplatively with your bare feet wiggling in a tray of sand (I’ve got my tray conveniently tucked under my computer desk). If you’ve been sitting at the computer for hours (even with your feet in the sand), get up and sliver via a 30-minute walk with your camera at the ready, looking for new signs of life or the letter “s” or anything purple. If you’ve had a tough week, sliver a weekend where you don’t check email or fix the broken chair or take the bags of old clothes to Good Will. Those are all things that “should” be done … eventually. But the world isn’t going to come to an end if they aren’t done today. On the other hand, you might actually find that they’re more easily accomplished once you’ve allowed yourself to sliver in a way that matters to you. If it matters to you, it’ll feed you and as long as you’re fed, you’ll experience LIFE. And that’s something that should be at the top of everyone’s to-do list!

*This is not to imply that every moment of every day must be filled with an activity. Sometimes the exact thing we should do during the 3 minutes the stew is heating up in the microwave is to watch the bowl turn round and round!