A Surprising Lesson from Dino

I’m currently enjoying a three-month free trial with Amazon music. It’s fun to call out, “Alexa, play me some Catherine Russell” and then hear dozens and dozens of fantastic Catherine Russell songs without lifting a finger. My latest obsession is Dean Martin. Not sure where that urge came from. Admittedly, I’ve always loved him. Maybe because we’re both from NE Ohio, or because we’re both decedents of recent immigrants from the swarthier areas of Europe. Regardless, his voice is dreamy, and he was always just so darned charming! They say that if you smile when answering the phone, the person on the other end can tell you’re smiling and I feel like through much of Dino’s music, he has to be smiling that fetching grin, his warm brown eyes twinkling. You can just hear it.

At this point, I don’t even need to tell Alexa to play Dean Martin. Since I end each music session with, “Alexa, pause” she knows to continue with Dino when I tell her to resume. Unless the pause is relatively short, she always starts at the beginning of an apparently set playlist with “Sway.” It’s a great tune to cha cha to so I’ll often dance around my apartment while it plays. “Mambo Italiano” is another good opportunity to get my hips moving (the kind of “exercise” I actually enjoy doing!) Of course, there’s “That’s Amore” and “Volari” (a song that succeeded in getting my mom’s college pal to actually buy a Plymouth Volari in the 70s when Dean’s song was used in their commercials because she, like I, adored him) and “Everybody Loves Somebody, Sometime” … words that were actually etched onto his gravestone.

But the song that always challenges me is, “You’re Nobody ‘Till Somebody Loves You.” It’s a title, and message, that has always bothered me. What if you have no one in your life who loves you? You’re nobody?? I’m not even talking about a romantic or parental relationship. What if you don’t actually have any friends or a social network of people who care for you. Are you a nobody? I find that troublesome.

I know, I know … GOD loves everyone. I don’t think that’s what Dino and the song writer meant.

The lyrics get somewhat more palatable when they suggest that you can have all the best material possessions in the world but ultimately those won’t bring happiness, at least not the kind of happiness that comes from having someone who loves you.

But most interestingly is how the song’s message ends: “You’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you. So find yourself somebody to love.” Not, “Find someone to love YOU” but “You go find someone to love.” On the surface, that initially rankled me as well. Oh, so now the onus is on ME? It’s not enough that I’m already living a reality where I’m unloved but now I have to put in the work to find someone to love … and then exert the effort to actually LOVE them … and then what? Is that a guarantee that I’ll get love in return??

But the more I’ve lived with this, (I’ve heard this song a LOT over the last few weeks!), the more nuanced this message has become for me, especially as a person of faith. We can’t forcibly change others so that they’ll love us. The only people we can change is ourselves and maybe by being more loving, we become more lovable. It’s a version of Gandhi’s “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

It also reminds me of my experience back in 2000 when I traipsed around 14 different countries in Europe over two months. About half of that time I traveled alone and those were the parts of the trip where I was in the “swarthier” areas of the continent. I had several concerned (some appalled) people ask me ahead of time if I was fearful. I said that I would be a smart traveler, aware of my surroundings, and not take any unnecessary risks, but that I was going to head into this adventure expecting the best from people. That’s what I did … and that’s what I got … in spades. It was amazing … and gratifying. Put out there what you want to receive in return. It’s not an ironclad guarantee but it’s a pretty solid life philosophy.

My niece, Sophia, was raised in a household where “I love you” was expressed a lot. Once, when she was a toddler, she was leaving Grandma and Grandpa’s house. The usual routine was for one of them—usually Sophia—to say, “I love you” and the other would respond, “I love you, too.” On this particular day, the grandparents were in the kitchen talking to each other about something (having nothing to do with love!). Sophia heard voices talking but clearly couldn’t distinguish what they were actually saying. As she walked out the door, she simply replied in the way she had been trained. “Love you, too!”

She assumed … she KNEW …that they loved her, so she was responding in kind. What a wonderful way to go through life.

I know that I’m somebody and that I have many people who love me. But in our caustic, divided world, maybe it’s time for me to go out and find somebody, perhaps several somebodies, to love.